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Building a Bridge to Happiness

What did you really enjoy doing when you were a child?

When did you feel the most happy and carefree?


Answers to these questions tend to be unique, interesting, and revealing.


"Looking for frogs in the pond at the back of our garden."

"Baking cakes with the kind woman who lived next-door."

"Colouring with my felt pens."

"Saturdays, when Dad would take me to work with him. I loved sitting next to him in the truck."

"Playing with my dolls. Choosing their outfits and making up stories about them."

"Splashing in puddles and scrunching through leaves."

"Climbing trees."

"Sitting under the kitchen table with our dog."

"Snuggling up on the sofa, watching cartoons."

"Building Lego castles."

"Reading in my bedroom. Getting lost in the books."

"Christmas time. I loved all the lights and the tinsel, and everyone was happy."

"Going to football matches. Having a Wagon Wheel and a cup of Bovril at half-time."

"Watching the rain. The sound of it on the window...feeling warm and safe inside."


As for me, I used to love being outside and exploring on my own: heading out into the nearby fields, fascinated by all the child's-eye-level things to see: butterflies, flowers, rocks and stones, and streams full of sticklebacks and newts. (I'm smiling as I write: partly because it's hard not to smile when remembering happy moments, and also because all these decades later, I still love being outside and exploring on my own).


Recalling what we enjoyed doing as children can help us find a way to connect to an important side of our personality: our Happy Child mode. I've written elsewhere about the concept of modes: different "parts" or "sides" to our personality. For example, the “Healthy Adult” mode, and the "Critic" mode.  So, what is the Happy Child mode?

 

When we are in our Happy Child mode, we are relaxed, carefree, and playful. We feel safe, light-hearted, and full of a sense of fun. We may feel close to others – not envious or insecure. The Happy Child mode is innate: play is a natural instinct for all children, and a basic need for both child and adult wellbeing. Connecting with this playful mode is valuable and protective for our mental health.


When we are stressed, depressed, or anxious, we are probably not very connected with our Happy Child mode. We might doubt we even have the capacity to feel happy or playful. Yet, like the sun hiding behind thick cloud, it’s there, whether or not we can see it. We all have a Happy Child mode.

 

One way of finding, understanding, and strengthening this mode, is to recall what we liked to do as children. Then we can try to bring those activities (or important elements of them) into our lives now. Even if only briefly, only occasionally.


Some childhood activities are easier than others to bring back into our lives. It's not too hard to get hold of a colouring book, or some Lego, but what if you used to love climbing trees and you’re just not built for it nowadays?


Well, first ask yourself: What was the meaning of that happy child activity? What did I love about climbing trees? Was it the act of climbing, or was it about becoming hidden and invisible to the people below? Was it the feeling of being high up with a different perspective? Was it the sheer adventure – or mischief of it? The sense of achievement? Or was it more about hanging out with your friends and climbing together?


Could you do something that helps you get in touch with these meanings?


For example, maybe you can’t go and climb a tree right now, but you could:


  • find a park or wood, and experience being surrounded by trees.

  • find somewhere peaceful and hidden: create your own den or sanctuary.

  • go somewhere high up (a tall building?) and enjoy the feeling of the different perspective.

  • do something a little bit adventurous - or mischievous! Something new, spontaneous, different.

  • reconnect with a friend you haven’t seen for a while.


You could also close your eyes, and spend a few minutes remembering what it felt like to climb a tree; imagining yourself right there. Imagery can be a powerful way of connecting with happy memories and feelings.

 

The Inside Out films provide some beautiful illustrations of Happy Child Mode moments. If you’ve seen these films, you will know that Riley, the main character, loves skating and ice hockey. She learned to skate as a very small child when she lived in Minnesota, and she has happy memories of scoring a goal while Mum and Dad cheered her on. In this YouTube clip you can see how such moments of play became a foundational part of her personality.


Later, we see an older Riley dreaming about these early childhood memories. She is connecting with her playful younger self, and she feels soothed, comforted and happy: indeed it is Joy, with her huge, wide eyes and kind gaze, who is in control of the dream-sequence, and who "skates" in synchrony with little Riley. Even though Riley is asleep, we could say that she is experiencing being in her Happy Child mode.


Later still, we learn that teenage Riley remains connected with her Happy Child mode, mainly through playing hockey. This next clip demonstrates this really beautifully. Joy is steering and guiding Riley’s actions, with wonder, warmth and affection. Riley feels connected and close to the other players. Everything is smooth and effortless. Riley-the-teenage-ice-hockey-player is connecting with Riley-the-little-girl-on-skates-in-Minnesota-with-Mum-and-Dad-watching.


 

The things that we enjoyed doing as children are unique. The times when we were happy tell us something special about ourselves. They tell us what we valued; what we once cared about. These past experiences can hold the keys to helping us find more moments of happiness in the present.


When we connect with our Happy Child mode, we are building a bridge to the past, and reconnecting with the little person who is still there, inside.


A happy little girl in dungarees

So how about you?


What did you really enjoy doing when you were little?

 

When did you feel the most happy, relaxed and carefree?

 

Are you still doing it now – or something like it?

 

If not, could you find a way of bringing back an aspect of it into your life?



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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